Parents, addicts, anyone really I need your opinion on what to do in this situation!!
Over a year ago, I met my boyfriend Ryan who was in recovery for heroin addiction. Little did I know the battle I was coming into. Ryan is originally from Texas and moved to Minnesota to get help and learn how to live sober. His family still resides down in the lonestar state. Ryan is a very charming, young man who has many gifts as well as a big caring heart. However, drugs rob him of the person he is and instead he's a monster. When he's using he's mean, disrespectful, and very manipulative. While he's sober, he's just so loving and kind, as well as sensitive. Oh how I miss this Ryan!
For the first month Ryan was sober, and then everything went downhill from there. During the month of September and October Ryan was using heroin everyday; I had a feeling but didn't know how to approach the situation. Eventually after finding the proof the truth came about and I contacted his parents and told them what was going on. They were grateful, and Ryan sought help and started Methadone treatment. Ryan and I had some trust issues to work through, but overall we were very happy with each other. Ryan would just sit and tell me how much he loved me and admired me standing by him through all this. He promised to never break my heart again.. but drugs always seem to ruin those promises.
A few months later, Ryan started back to his old addict behavior. Instead of waiting for the proof I just called his parent's again and told them what I knew. His behavior when he uses is so completely opposite of who he really is, that it's like day vs. night. He ignores me, says hurtful things, stands me up, won't talk to me unless he needs something. When really, he usually is always around me always telling me how much he loves me. It wasn't so pleasant this time, because they didn't believe me. I called back a week later once I got all the proof and they still enabled him financially, and gave him no consequences for his bad behavior. They were just pleased to be able to talk to their son and hear the false promises of "I'll never use again".
Ryan and I continued stay together, because I in some odd way felt responsible for him. With his family being so far away, how will they know if he needs help or if he is using again?! Who will be here for Ryan if I leave, he'll be left with no one. I love Ryan and I can't bare to see him all alone, I wanted to love him through all this becaues the person he really is when sober is absolutely the love of my life. I just don't like this other person. Ryan and I were doing well, a few minor issues from the past would haunt me and that would cause some conflicts but overall we were going well. I started working through some of that past hurt and learning how to forgive and forget. However, right when all that started Ryan started taking a turn for the worst. He started distancing himself from me again, started hanging out with this guy who I wasn't too fond of. That guy admitted to me that Ryan was drinking with him (and whenever Ryan drinks he wants opiates) and during that time Ryan stopped talking to me. I told him that I can't do this again, and that I just need some space. Ryan was mad and tried manipulating me telling me how dare I leave him, I know he has NO one up here. All the while still denying ever drinking or using. The next week Ryan said he needed to find himself and that we shouldn't be together while he was doing that. Something in my gut didn't feel right. I knew I was talking to the Heroin Addict, not Ryan. Ryan doesn't have a job, no school, he doesn't have to do anything all day long except go to the Methadone clinic by 1 pm everyday. He doesn't have any good friends in his life, so all these small factors would make sense as to why he would use: boredom.
A month later after we broke up, he went on a trip with his family. I was praying the whole time that Ryan's secrets would be exposed. But unfortunately they weren't. He came back to Minnesota and his behavior was still the same addict behavior. I asked him if I could come get my stuff, and he'd text me but would completely avoid the situation. He promised me he wasn't using and that he missed me. But he refused that I come get my stuff. So a week later, I just stopped by threatening to bring a cop with me and he freaked. He refused to let me into his apartment and allow me to grab my belongings. Instead, I was told to wait downstairs. I told him I wanted 3 things mainly: my vaccuum, my kennel, and the towels. There is a specific reason to ask for such random things. The vaccuum was a very expensive vaccuum, and well know that addicts love pawn shops. I needed some proof to see if Ryan was using since I don't really know. For some reason he couldn't give me the vaccuum, he needed to fix it. The kennel where our cat slept in was important because the week of his family's vacation Ryan had the cat boarded, and I wanted to make sure he had the cat still rather than leaving her at the boarding place and using the cash for drugs. But the cat was at a 'playdate' with the guy downstairs who has 2 kittens. The cat has been there for 3 days/nights. Hmm.. interesting story wouldn't you say?! Towels, I could really care less about these towels, but on crime shows, they usually are the things that have the most evidence. Ryan couldn't give me the towels because he was going to 'wash' them. This kid has never done a load of laundry in his life. Talk about changes!!!
Ryan couldn't talk to me, he got into that really aggressive addict mode where his impatient levels were high, and he started getting very very aggressive. He was telling me how he's been hanging out with 'so and so'... but I do talk to that 'so and so'.. and they haven't seen Ryan in over a month. I feel as though I should talk to his parents. My gut is telling me Ryan is using, I just don't have the proof to know for sure, but all the red flags are up. But I don't want to stir the pot if I'm wrong (Even though I don't think I am). But even if I do tell them, I feel as though nothing will change. They'll still send him money, etc. What more can be done, they live 1300 miles away. I don't know what to do. Please please, anything will help. Ryan won't talk to me, only here and there. He definitely won't see me, nor talk to me on the phone. He usually doesn't when he's using drugs. Actually that's the only time he won't is when he's using. Please help.
Sweetheart what more proof do you need? this isn't a court of law. I hear spouses say things like this all the time, they pile so many signs and symptoms on top of one another then look for someone to confirm what they know is true, or to refute it somehow with some miraculous 'truth' about how addicts can be when they're not using.
the bottom line is that an addict is sloppy. he or she has so many lies going on that they can't keep track of them all, and over time they learn not to try so hard because they can normally talk their way out of a lie because they know that there are some people who will believe them no matter what.
remember that addicts are creatures of habit, literally, and not just in the drug they use but the rituals they employ to use it, the excuses they create to cover it, and the house of cards they build around it. addicts are super reliable. reliable in that they will always think of themselves and their addiction first, that's priority one through one hundred. they're also reliable in their behaviors. and they're reliable in their dimness-- meaning they will offer up the lamest lies in the world and expect everyone to believe them. the truth is that most people will believe them. the only ones who won't believe them are former addicts, who can see right through everything they do.
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