My partner is vulnerable to compulsive behaviors, and can get "sucked in" quite easily without recognizing the signs - particularly with internet activities. He's a recovered Internet porn addict but now a new episode of another "new" addictive behavior has recently been discovered...
Looking back, the realization is that it started when I was laid off work which of course created a new "emotional" and financial stress on the family. So when I needed him most, he responded with emotional immaturity to cope with the new stress, turned away from me and turn towards a new behavior for his escapism - a behavior which eventually turned into a miserable (and expensive) compulsion.
For almost a year he was collecting and obsessing with music... buying CD's, copying, downloading, creating graphics for covers, creating detailed lists; spending thousands of dollars, buying on e-bay, borrowing from friends / libraries, etc etc. Eventually, I began to see the all too familiar and typical "addict tactics" I'd lived through when he was using internet porn: the lies, manipulations, moodiness, ignoring responsibilities ("I forgot"... "I'll do it later"; minimizing, deflecting, justifying, denying and of course the anger, the emotional melt downs and the blaming - mostly projected at me. A review of financial statements brought all of this to light, i.e. approx $3,000 of family finances used for his "selfish sense of entitlements".
The most insane part of this story is through his SAA Group, he began in Sept to attend a special, intensive and thorough (supposedly) 12 Step program once per week with a small group of other Sex Addicts. While he's focused on this 12 step from his SA (4 yrs ago), at the same time he's actively and compulsively acting out and this time through this new behavior. His perceptions of reality bounce from moments of clarity to the typical "addict reality". Finished the 12 step two weeks ago but I never did experience Steps 9 & 10 from him over this iPod addiction (i.e.taking responsibility, owning your behaviors and actions and making amends to those you've hurt.)
So today I'm separating the man from the addict which means new boundaries are now in place, the truth is out there, the Pink Elephant no longer lives in this home - my awareness and determination to survive this latest hell is my #1 focus.
Recently, in a moment of clarity, he handed over the ipod and some of the 370 cd's collected / copied and told me he WAS addicted, was ashamed and asked me to get rid of them. Two days later, he's sneaking all over the house trying to find them again and followed this with a demand and insistence that I give it back because he IS capable of managing and using his iPod once in awhile when he wants and do so in a healthy manner. Can an alcoholic use drink in healthy manner? Can he view porn once in a while in a healthy manner? Can a drug addict take pills just on wknds? As if? Typical addict speak and I refuse to listen to it. Told him its gone - gone to the same place the internet porn went...out of this home to never return. He was also reminded that if he brings another iPod into this home I'll take a hammer to it. One of my new boundaries.
God grant me the strength....
I don't personally believe
I don't personally believe very strongly in abstinence-only approaches - I think some people can make them work, but they tend to be all-or-nothing, which means a failure is complete relapse (and often with a stronger sense of personal guilt and shame from failing). I tend to look at addiction-serving behaviour as exactly that - something you do that provides a needed service to your psyche, but at an unsustainable cost.
One problem with the label "addict" is that it masks the very personal reasons that people are unable to cope with regular responsibilities and instead create a whole system of new ones to occupy themselves. Previously it was porn, more recently music, next time it might be some genuinely important activist cause that's nonetheless still way out of balance. Your partner is running away from something, not toward porn or music. I have been hooked on both of these btw, though not to the degree or in the same manner as you describe for your partner. I was able to get control when I realised that I was using these things - and others like video games and alcohol - as a way to escape mounting anxiety whenever I approached any decision of real consequence in my real life.
The other problem with the "addict" label, and with abstinence approaches, is the view of someone suffering this fate as something other than a person. This is still your partner and they're going through something they apparently cannot face. If you can help this person figure out what's driving them to such maniacal focus on one media genre at a time, they might be able to regain a footing. I think you'll probably both need counselling and he may need prescribed medication. Otherwise you've only won a battle against music, not against your partner's root illness.
I do agree that there's an "addict reality", which is one reason I classify addiction as a mental illness.