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People don't comment much here, do they.

So. I'm not a huge forum person. OK, so I've never posted on a forum before. But I'm tired of retching and looking in the mirror with literally black mascara tears dripping down my cheeks. I feel like a monster.

I don't see any particular reason for my bulimia. I mean, I suppose I get lonely sometimes, or bored. And I love food. God, how I love it! The problem is, I'm a cook so I can basically create food at the spur of the moment, should the urge arise. I go through pretty great lengths when I feel like eating. Which is every day. EVERY DAY. I ate and threw up four times today.

I've never been particularly thin, although I'd like to be. I'm busy pretending I don't care, though, which is why I end up eating some "bad" foods, and instead of being normal and cutting calories from my next meal, etc. I just eat as much as I possibly can and then throw it up.

Obviously, no one understands this and I'm not willing to admit how big of problem I have. I just wanted to see if there are any people who want to stop and...you know, become a support group of sorts. Let's do this. I'm sick of wasting my life.

Don't give up hope!

Hi Cynic,
I just read your post and thought I would reply (since you did mention that not many people do!)...
I am currently in recovery from Anorexia/bulima and have struggled with both for over 25 years.
Having said that, I am now in recovery and I cannot tell you how amazing life is without it!!! Until I began my recovery process (about 4 years ago), I did not have a clue what my life would look like without my ED - I have lived with it as my crutch for my entire life!
Recovery is a slow and sometimes painful process but I just want to say that there is light at the end of the tunnel if you keep at it.
The best advice I have ever received is "DON'T EVER GIVE UP". And let me tell you, I have wanted to a million times but I knew that I would never be happy if I continued with my bingeing, purging, secrecy, lying, etc. - and everything else that comes with having an eating disorder.
There is always hope and anyone who is reading these posts or has logged on to this website must have some or they wouldn't be here!
If there is just a small part of you that wants to get better, listen to her. Write down what she is saying to you and be gentle with yourself.
If you want to message me, I'd be happy to chat with you.
God bless,
Laura

People don't comment much here, do they.

Hey there. I have been in and out of this forum for a while now. I do with that more people would post rather than just read but remember that everything we write might help people who just want to read and get some support and reassurance.

I battled with my ED for over 2 years and finally got help last year and my life really changed. It hasn't been easy but it can be done. Many different support groups helped. Both in person and online. It can be done and we are here to help.

People don't comment much here, do they.

vanmama and qat,

Thank you so much for your responses! So far I have been "good" for... 24 hours. Haha. It's crazy how I won't binge for 3 days and it will feel like such an accomplishment. I am going to stop. Now. I'm really excited, although this isn't to say I haven't told myself I was going to quit before.

Thanks for the support. Your experience is an encouragement.

People don't comment much here, do they.

Any moment in recovery is a great accomplishment because we all know how difficult it can be. 24 hours is really great! I know it is not easy but I pray that you can keep it going. :D

People don't comment much here, do they.

24 hours is a huge start! If you can do something for an entire day, you can keep doing the same thing over and over - one day at a time! That's great - you should keep reminding yourself how good it feels when you're not bingeing and purging the next time the urge comes up.
Just remember, you still have eat properly (3 meals a day) because if you let yourself get too hungry, it can easily trigger a binge... Also, you have to change your thinking about "good" and "bad" foods - There is no such thing! It was a huge part of my recovery to learn that - it was just a trap. If I thought of food that way, every time I even thought about eating "bad" food, I would end up bingeing and purging! When I learned that I could actually eat dessert (1 piece instead of the entire thing), and not gain weight, it was a very freeing feeling!
Hope this helps...
Keep up the good work!

 

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