need some support right now.

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Well, my pants are dirty, so I thought, oh hey, I'll wear those jeans tomorrow. I took a shower and tried to slip them on, but slip they wouldn't. I don't have a scale and I honestly try to stay away from them. And since I decided to eat normally, and not starve myself, I haven't really spent much time in front of mirrors. It's been about 3 months now. And holy! I can't even understand how I gained so much weight! i couldn't button those pants if I tried. And now all I want to do is starve myself so I'm not such an immense fatass, but I also promised myself a year of eating. I feel gross and I kind of hate myself. I really don't know what to do. Feeling like this kills my self esteem and any desires I have to be social.

im in tonight cause i could

Submitted by star on Sun, 01/18/2009 - 16:20.

im in tonight cause i could not face going out with the girls. the stress of finding something to wear and feel comfortable was just too much so im sat at home instead. if you need a friend im here x

Thanks Star. It's

Submitted by graceb on Sun, 01/25/2009 - 23:51.

Thanks Star. It's appreciated. I kind of wish I just knew how to make these feelings go away. Hope you're well.

I'm using amphetemines as a

Submitted by mle on Mon, 01/26/2009 - 14:50.

I'm using amphetemines as a diet drug. And the dominating thought? That I can't possibly face stopping and gaining back the weight I lost. So sad. I can't even bring myself to say how much it is, because I'll sound like such a fatass.

I've not been down that road,

Submitted by graceb on Mon, 01/26/2009 - 23:09.

I've not been down that road, but I wont pretend that I haven't seriously considered it. And as someone who purposefully doesn't smoke, drink or put other substances in my body because I don't want trash and chemicals in it... that's saying a lot. I've definitely been in a place where sex with my boyfriend has been mostly because of the 'calories' I'm going to burn. Right now I'm just trying so hard to be okay with my body and keep the promise I made to myself to not starve myself. It's so hard. The other day I was thinking about middle school. I remember walking to the locker rooms from the gym, and I overheard this guy talking about a popular girl who was about 5'7. His comment? "God, can you believe that she weighs 120 pounds? She's such a fatass!" She wasn't. She was buff and fit. At the time I was about the same height and had yet to hit 100, but I think back on that now and just think what a shame it is...

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