my story with bulimia-i really need to talk to someone

hey everyone, IM NEW!! about a year ago i was in work. i was i waitress, i was in the kitchen making my lunch and the chef came up to me and touched my tummy and said "you eat too many mac donalds" and yes folks thats where it all started. Well I ate my lunch that day but i got sick after it and i have to say it was disgusting but my god what a relief. I kept doing it constantly after that and mostly in work cuz i was there most of the time. My Boyfriend knows about it and he is a great help,probably because we never talk about it!! I dont do it as often now because i stay in my boyfriends house and i cant do it there cuz the walls are as thin as paper. I am so concerned about my weight. i know deep down that i am not in any way fat but i just cant help but feel fat. I hate the way i look especially when i see girls that are beautiful and yea i no we are all stunners but jesus whoever wakes up every morning and feels like a stunner is a very lucky person indeed!! :) is there anyone out there that has the same problem as me and if so can you tell me how long ya have been doing it for? or just write back for an aul chat!! :) xxx

Submitted by xbutterflyx on Thu, 12/18/2008 - 17:59.

i really need to talk to someone abou this

Submitted by graceb on Thu, 12/18/2008 - 23:43.

Hey, I don't have a whole of lot experience with bulimia... my bane is anorexia. You can email me if you want. I'd be happy to talk to you about all of this. zineproject@hotmail.com

Submitted by xbutterflyx on Fri, 12/19/2008 - 03:59.

thank you so much thats great!! looking forward to hearing from you

Submitted by Heard What You ... on Fri, 12/19/2008 - 17:56.

Hey, if you need to talk to someone I'm here too. AIM: go go gadget rad.

Submitted by xbutterflyx on Sat, 12/20/2008 - 06:50.

hey!!! thanks so much. whats AIM??? im so lost?

Submitted by Heard What You ... on Thu, 12/25/2008 - 20:06.

Hahaha it stands for AOL Instant Messenger, you can download it for free and get a screen name. It's similar to eMail only a lot faster. Like text messaging with a computer almost. http://download.aim.com/client/68 It's very popular, so I'm sure you'll be able to find many others with AIM screen names.

Submitted by silosilo on Thu, 12/25/2008 - 23:45.

Hello, merry xams to you all. I am new. I have been on and off being bulimia for almost four years. And second year into Uni, everything is stressful and the binging and throwing up has gone out of control. I ruined my relationship with my X because of this, cos of my mood changes although he does not know i have this problem. I think i am overweight compare to other girls, and also i have got horrible shape, i am stuck and i do not want to tell my parents,they do not need to bare this, not fair on them... Are you getting treatment? Is there any ways we can self help and keep it as a secret??? My name is Helen, from UK. ANy help would be appreciated.

Submitted by xbutterflyx on Sat, 12/27/2008 - 09:50.

hey helen im from ireland. i get no treatment i dont think i need it i kinda just hope it goes away itself! my parents dont know either. my sister knows and my boyfriend knows too i think its important to tell someone close to you that you know is willing to listen eventhough it may be hard its worth it!! i have awfull mood changes and i see it afffecting my realtionship with my boyfriend. im not sure about self help i mean my sister is trying to find someone professional to help me but i dont really want it.

Submitted by Heard What You ... on Fri, 01/02/2009 - 17:32.

It will never go away on its own-- you have to MAKE it go away. No more passivity! If you want the change, you have to make it yourself.

Submitted by imaginexpeace on Mon, 01/12/2009 - 21:37.

Hey, I'm Vicki. I'm seventeen and I have been bulimic for about three years. I have been feeling horribly lonely and ashamed. I keep asking myself why I'm alive, and I don't know. I feel useless. I just started therapy, but I feel like I'm weak. I don't know what to do or how to make this better.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated..

Submitted by xbutterflyx on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 15:12.

hey Vicki!! :) there is no need to be ashamed there are so many people out there that are in the same position. im just starting to get better now. i started to go to the gym and things are looking up because im putting so much effort into doin excercise that i dont want to ruin all that hard work on goin back to bulimia. you need to think positive that is the key to getting over this. im so glad to hear that you are goin to therpy, i didnt and i wish i had of because i know it would have made it so much easier. But do you see what i mean about goin to the gym? i mean that is what is making me better and you need to do something like that too wether its goin to the gym or a walk or reading funny books its all good for you!!. i was talkin to the instructor and he kind of knew by the way i was talking about food that i had i problem and he said to me, your health is your wealth and i never heard truer words spoken in my life i feel so much better and i have more energy now. About you saying you feel lonley i knoe exactly what you mean but you need to get out there and start doing social things where you will meet people and get talkin to people i know its hard but trust me its soooo worth it. it will be very positive for you if you even find one friend you can talk to and trust. listen if you need to talk email me nobber165@yahoo.co.uk or you can just comment back.

Submitted by imaginexpeace on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 20:34.

Thank you so much, I appreciate it very much :] and You're right, I guess the key is hard work!

Submitted by imaginexpeace on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 20:36.

Submitted by help072 on Fri, 02/20/2009 - 06:52.

Hi, this is my frist time ever writing into one of these.I dont really know where to begin.Im bulimic about a year now.At first I denied it to myself,thinking I had control over everything-I wish.The frustrating thing is I know why its all happened but I dont know how to change it.My entire lifes been a battle so far.All my life people have always told me Im gorgeous and could be a model.Somepeople think thats great but I never really took it as a compliment.It just felt like alot of pressure.I think my looks are even the root cause of all of this.When i was about 11 a girl I was friends with started to bully me severly.Spreading rumours about.Lets put it this way everyone to this day thinks things about me and at this point in my life I dont really let it bother me.When I was younger however it ruled my entire life.She picked on me because she was jealous of the attention I got.I think its cruel that she did because I never flaunted myself and I was always a good trusthworthy person.All the stress of that led me to having panic attacks and a fear of leaving the house.I used to keep myself going by telling myself that I was starting a new school soon and she'd be out of my life.Then when I was 13 I was diagnosed with cancer.Completely because of the stress of the bullying and I am positive about this.I had chemo and battled through it.I tried to be positive about what happened always thinking everything happens for a reason.In one way I was relieved about the cancer because I knew people wouldnt talk bad about a girl so sick.The cancer became the contol centre in my life then.I was petrified I was going to relapse.Scared to have showers incase Id find a lump on my body,every small thing made me think am i sick again?It was a really scary time.Then going straight into my second year in school after missing 1st yr was very hard.I was really behind and the fear of the rumours started to play on my mind again.They did start again,I could see when girls would talk and laugh about me.This was horrible I continued to have panic attacks and missed alot of school.I was very anti social.scared to go anywhere incase I saw someone who "knew" things.People thought I was boring not up for anythin while inside I was bursting o get out.Despite all of this I did really well in my juniour cert.Feeling like so much of a failure spurred me on to do well.My year voted me student of the year for the junior cer,sounds quite ironic I know but the truth is when people got to know me one on one they did like me and I knew theyd think why is she so shy around everyone when shes not with just me and her?I eventually came out of my shell a little bit more but not a whole lot.When the girl who started all the rumours died,Im not gona lie,it felt like such a relief,i remember at her funeral when I saw her coffin I burst ut crying because I felt so guilty for wishing her dead for so many years.Her death made me live more.When i was in my last year of school I started to see someone.We went out for 8months and broke up on the first week of college.I dropped 10lbs.I felt upset and fantastic all at once.I was always curvy enough.This was down to my lack of socialness.I was always about a size 12 but not fat at all.My body did bother me alot but I kinda just got on with life knowing that some things are just more important.People thought I had an eating disorder because I went so skinny but I didnt at all.I maintained this new figure quite easily at first.Eating whatever I wanted-but in moderation.A word that has no meaning at all to me now.After the break up so much happened.I just turned 18 and had such a zest for life.College is where I really got to shine.People saw the real me.Friends at home were shocked at how out there and up for everything I was.Me and my ex kissed and stuff alot after we broke up and it messed up my head alot.I got so much attention from boys it felt great.Every fela id meet would want my number or a date and theyd always get serious.I was shocked.I never thought much of myself so why did they?when me and my ex broke up I felt very rejected even though I knew it wass for the best.I suppose controlling my weight helped me feel good because I could no longer control our relationship.so iv battled so much for a year and I feel fat,disgusting,i cant look at myself in the mirror now.Im back to college monday and Im terrified.I cant have people look at me.I dont know what to do.I just want to scream so much right now.I cant go to college like this I just cant.Why wont this ever go away.Ive seeked help but nothings worked.This is my life now.Its all my life.I dont know how to live normal or eat normal now.I dont know what to do and am scared because I dont want to live anymore

Submitted by graceb on Sat, 02/21/2009 - 00:05.

You've definitely been through a lot and are obviously a strong person. I really hope that you know this.
I'm kind of confused about your story, well, the end of it, at least. Have you gained weight since you started college? It sounds like you were happy in college, and then became sad and rejected after you and your boyfriend broke up.
I definitely have anxiety and control issues. It's like, if I'm obsessing over food, I don't have to be ultra controlling over everything else and I don't have to stress out about things that actually matter.
One thing I'm finding is that, yes, I'm heavier than I wish I was, but when I can keep my stress at a minimum, and exercise, I'm both happier and skinnier. And honestly, exercise helps me keep stress away. I try to do things I find fun, like biking, gymnastics, swimming, jumping on trampolines, parkour, running around with friends, etc. And I've been working on de-stressing for ..well, it seems like my entire life. It's almost a matter of willing it. I take deep breaths and tell myself to chill the fuck out. Also, this stuff called GABA has helped me a lot. It's just an amino acid, so it's not creepy or addictive in any way, but it helps my brain to relax. And I've been really trying to focus on the good things in my life, and try to think of things I can do to make myself happier and more productive.
Also, focusing your energy on some other project, I find really helpful. It may help make your life seem more meaningful, as well. It has with mine.
I definitely know what you mean about not knowing how to live or eat normal. I still deal with that to a certain extent, but I haven't starved myself in... 5 months now. If you try to eat normal amounts of calories (without stressing out about exactly how many calories- i swear, the more i think about food, even if i'm eating less, i gain more weight just because of the stress) your body will eventually adjust to that, and your body will give you cues to let you know what is right for you.
And I wish I knew what to say about you not wanting people to look at you right now, because you feel fat and disgusting, because I've definitely been there, too.. Hell, I still often feel that way. Honestly, I just try not to think about it. I try not to look in mirrors, or at my body. I just put on my clothes and head out. It's intimidating, I know. And I know I should be trying to 'accept my body' and 'love it how it is' but i'm just not there yet. for now, this is all i can do.
hope this was some help. good luck. know that we're here to support you as best we can.

Submitted by beauty is you on Thu, 02/26/2009 - 16:08.

hi, i'm new here.
a couple of years ago i was bulimic, on-and-off, and no one knows about it to this day. i was lucky enough to catch myself before things got out of hand. i had seen too many friends waste their teenage years obsessing about their weight and i knew i had to take care of myself.
anyway...
lately i've been hanging out with a guy. he's really really tall and really really thin, i guess it's in his genes. but he's always been obsessed about anorexia and not long ago he fell ill because he had stopped eating. and he keeps saying that anorexic people are beautiful 'because they have beautiful cheekbones' and that to look beautiful you have to be anorexic. i really really worry about him because not only is he in danger of hurting himself but also damaging other people who are influenced by him. but no matter what i say he won't change his mentality. i really really am desperate for help on how to deal with this because i've seen the effects of EDs and i don't want that to happen to any more of my friends. please help! any advice is greatly appreciated.

Submitted by Shannenigans on Thu, 02/26/2009 - 16:43.

Hi I'm Shannen I'm 15 and since the age of seven I've had eating disorders on and off.
My disorders started like something very similar to you, a boy called me fat in class.
And that's what started it off.
If you need to talk :
myspace.com/idrinkyourbathwater
msn : shan_billie_bummer@hotmail.co.uk

Hang in there :)

Submitted by help072 on Mon, 03/02/2009 - 18:15.

well my weights pretty much fluctuated between half a stone. I havent weighed myself since November-too scared, but I know by the feel of my clothes what I weigh. Am 5 foot 7 and about 9 and a half at the mo. 2years ago I would have killed to be this weight, but now I feel like a whale. Its crazy how much your mind can control you.
Yeah I'm exactly the same, when I focus on my eating its as if nothing else matters, I dont have to deal with the rest of the crap going on.
The frustrating thing is, when I stop and look at my life I realise I have everything I really wanted a few years ago. . my health, a great family, few good loyal and trustworthy friends, studying for a career, slimmer than back then and I probably could have a relationship if I tried but I dont know. Its as if because I've always had a control centre in my life I cant be without one you know?
I hate talking like this I feel as if am feeling sorry for myself. Like if I got sick again (please god I wont) Id be so annoyed at myself!
Where did you hear about the amino acid GABA?
Do you feel a good boost in your mood with it?
I went for a psychiatric appointment today. Felt extremely weird, I'm a student nurse(I know I should be more sensible since I know so much about this stuff!)and I've had psychiatric patients so it I felt very vulnerable being on the opposite end. Am usually the one who helps people when they're feeling down and here I am feeling like a nutjob sitting there explaining how I ended up at this point in my life. The doctor started me on prozac and I couldnt be happier. Its an anti-depressent but for bulimia also. I read alot about cognitive behavioural therapy and I'd love to give that a try but with my course not always being a set schedule its hard to organise regular times for this stuff but I suppose if I really want to get over this I'll just have to make time.
I hope this medication boosts my mood and helps me see how much more their is to life. I sound so doom and gloom on this, am actually not, well when I get down I am. I just wanna get back to my bubbly giddy self:(
How are doing lately?Good I hope:)

Submitted by marmar9103 on Fri, 04/03/2009 - 17:37.

Hi im 23years old and ive been suffering from bulimia for about a year. I lost about 30lbs and i feel really good about myself, but i know its ubhealthy what i am doing , but I cant control it. Everytime I eat i have to purge and i know thats not healty. My fiance and family are worried about me, but I feel I am not hurting myself, which I know I am. I dont feel that I need help, but I know I do and I cant control it evertime I eat I have to go purge. If anyone has any advice for me please contact me at santerangelom@yahoo.com

Thank You

Submitted by marmar9103 on Fri, 04/03/2009 - 17:35.

I really need help with my bulimia problem if anyone has any information for me please contact me at santerangelom@yahoo.com.

Everyday I feel worse and I know I am not getting any better I know I am slowly killing myself and I just want to stop, but I cant.

Submitted by henrymaquli on Thu, 04/23/2009 - 07:12.

Every dark night is followed by a bright sunny day. So, patience and attention is required and things will be fruitful in near future.
henry

Submitted by lloida on Sun, 05/17/2009 - 01:25.

i know what you mean... i have anorexia not bulimia and i know that anorexics look ugly and i cud end up dying but i feel like if i start eating properly again i've failed something but i don't know what. Also sometimes i almost enjoy it which is v. worrying.

Submitted by xbutterflyx on Tue, 05/19/2009 - 16:11.

yeah i no where you are coming from. there is a sence of achievement when you know you have eaten less throught the day. i always feel like i ahve failed when i eat bad food or fatening foods. it feels horrinle because i fail more than i achieve :(

Submitted by thin4life on Tue, 05/19/2009 - 18:35.

i can completely relate, I have been bulimic on and off for two years now. I just had a binge and ate ice cream and beat myself up about it all the time. and i hate the bitches that wake up feeling extravagent everyday lol.

Submitted by xbutterflyx on Thu, 05/21/2009 - 14:52.

hahahaha yea i hate them girls!! ;) i really hope im like that some day!! id love to wake up and be like i cant wait to get up and look in the mirror at myself all day!! lol

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