just a couple of thoughts on bulimia

the whereabouts of vomit
hi its my first post on this site. i was just wondering if anyone had found it too impossible like me to vomit in a public toilet and where abouts else would you do it. in a way having my friends around me outside of the house saves my life.
purging i can only do it at home now rarely (even though my mom and sister know) as i'm too scared of being heard anywhere else. i've had experiences where people have heard me on holiday or restaurants that i can no longer do it out of the house.
can anyone familiarize with the feeling when on a binge streak at home and then people arrive just to disrupt it and then if you don't get rid of these people within an 2 hours, thats it you've digested over 5,000 kcal. when i'm reading this now, it shows the serious mental control bulimia had over me. although im still suffering i rarely b/p now.
nowadays i think if you can't mentally restrict purging, the best way is to actually physically take away purging locations. i can't vomit in the downstairs toilet now, as my sister took away the mechanism thingybob inside so it doesn't flush, clever and ingenious really of her. and occasionally i would compensate by throwing up in a bucket/ sink or something crude but you just can't dispose of it quickly and without it smelling out the house.

me 2009
the great thing now is that i can eat a full on meal with mates and not feel guilty about it, ok, i do eat the whole plate because my appetite has been conditioned for years to eat more. but its the greatest feeling when you can eat out with the people you love and not think of when is it time to go and be sick back home.
for me, eating is an anxiety thing, i also suffer from hair pulling (however not on the scalp), and they say thats a form of self harm. well i say eating disorder is a form of self harm, and depression. nobody with bulimia/anorexia is happy. it goes beyond calories. people shoud'nt judge until they really understand, my mom just thought i could stop it. it doesn't stop it has to be killed, it is a demon

i think the main reason for my bulimia was grieving of the death of my dad when i was 13. there are other external influences like my extremely self concious friends, eating with an overweight diabetic mom that overfeeds her daughters, sexual confusion, not having a male role model as regards to food etc etc.

thanks for reading, sorry about the lack of flow lol, GL to anyone suffering x