Right.. was surfing the web. heard some ad on the radio, about something.. human testing or something for coke addicts.. was trying to find more information about that.. wound up here..
figure what the heck.. from what ive read most ya'll know the.. score. or are.. or were part of the.. game enough to understand.
lifes way odd at times.. nerver quite end up where we wanted, or thought we'd be. two years ago, i was a mild drug addict, just pot. nothing major. (though i smoked everyday.. for almost 20 years now.)
any who.. little over two years ago, almos three? I found my self doing coke. as per the normal story.. started out.. small? i'd get a gram, do it and be cool.. then the next week end..
rinse wash repeat... time passed.. and i was introduced to shooting coke. amazing how hell can seem like heaven with enough chemicals. i can blame no one save my self, in the end. she may have asked for my arm, but, in the end.. it was my own choice to give it to her. (in fact in roughly 6-7months w/ her.. i only gave my self 2, maybe 3 shots. seince that ended.. ive gotten good, can prep and do one at a stop light.. just like my teacher. even hitting the less visable spots. the arm is so.. obviouse. and can lead to questions.
that ended a year ago, now.. I did good shortly after that ended, but 2-3 months i was back again. and again. reinse wash repeat. sometimes ill make it a little while, useing other drugs to... hold off? doesnt work.
its odd, the time im strongest in my hate for it, is right after ive done it! while im high.. ill hate it agree never to do it.. blah.. blah.. but once its gone..
the hate fades faster then the high? but its not just the high.. thiers.. some perverse attraction in the.. ritual? the preping and takeing a shot. i hate to say it.. but something in that little puff of red, is just beautiful. yea.. best not to think about that.. it make me want it. (sad, but true.. :( )
i set up an appointment to see a tharipist, but missed it. honestly cuz i was so wound up and nervouse.. i failed. didnt get to sleep till 6amish after a goodly number of sleeping pills to counter my.. "fun", appointment was at 9am. havent been able to bring my self to make another.
so, thats where im at. hate it, but love it.
and cant seem to finaly stop. sometimes, what scares me the most.. im not sure i honestly want to.
jazger.
