Married to an addict

Sorry to hear that. I was on the opposite end. I was the coke addict who lost the only girl I cared for. The drug was the only thing that mattered to me at the time. Lost my job as well but that did not matter as much as my relationship. Been clean for 14 months. I regret every moment of my 4 years I spent hi on coke.

I'm sorry you lost your loved one, but at least you didn't lose your life. Congrats on being clean for 14 months, that's a great accomplishment, keep it up. My husband has been clean for 71 days but he's gone back to thinking that he's totally over it. He used- unbeknownst to me- for 2 1/2 years. I was so stupid! Forget the fact that we've been married for 12 years and together for 15 and we have 2 kids..I will never understand why he started and he can't or won't tell me why.....

You should never feel stupid about not knowing. As an addict I did everything I could to hide it from my loved ones and friends. We all start for different reasons but the key is to stop and make sure we stop. I still know I am not totally over it. Maybe I will never be. If I pass by a place where I used to party it creeps back into my mind but I know I have to be strong and not go back to where I was. I am glad you stayed with him. The love you share is essential.

Yea well, he's not living at home at the moment and he doesn't understand why. He's still very inconsistant, moody and angry at times. He thinks that bc he's finished rehab and he hasn't had any relapses that I should let him back. Well, I'm not ready! He did what he did in our home! With our children in the home! And when he hid the stuff, it was within reach of my kids! It could have killed them if they had put that stuff in their mouth! I feel like he's violated our home. I just need time for him to be able to prove himself to us, prove that he WANTS to stay clean, prove that he can be trusted. He's good for about 2 weeks and then he hits a bump in the road and he gets angry again and blames me! I just don't understand so much! It makes me angry that he feels that he's the victim in all of this. I just don't know anything but our world has been turned upside down all because of a stupid choice that he made. I think I'm going crazy!

Your story sounds very similar to my own. Except it wasn't so much coke..it was a very complex combination of prescription drugs and cocaine. Lorcet, Oxycotin, Valium, Ativan, Pot and coke were in the tox screen the nite he was rushed to the ER. He took all of this while at home with our kids (12 & 5). Spent 1 week at rehab and I refused to let him back at our home. But after 2 weeks of pure hell for myself and crying kids, I caved in to the pressure and allowed him back. Which I am now regretting. I should have stood my ground and went with my gut. Things have been up and down, and I believe he's using again. And add a DUI to the mixture in the last 30 days...and that was my fault. His pill popping was my fault too. I am just at my wits end. I'm on the verge of just crumbling. I want out, a fresh start, but....it's pretty complicated. I love him, because he is my children's father, but I despise his actions-moods-lies and making me feel bad.

I'm trying to make arrangements to start going to AlaNon meetings to try and cope thru this. There have been so many times that I've wanted to let him home bc i miss the Prior To Addiction man he used to be but at the same time, I kicked him out last summer bc of the way he was acting - had suspicions but no proof- and he was away for 4 weeks, said he was sorry, was gonna change all that bs and I believed him. It lasted 2 weeks and went back to the same thing. I can't take the chance that the same thing will happen. He keeps telling me that his strength is with his family but I feel that he needs to be strong w/o us first, and prove that he's really ready to be BETTER than the person that he used to be. I cry every day for what used to be and I know that's not good for me, I have to be strong for my kids but it's very very hard!

I too have thought about finding a group (NA)for finding support, but haven't made a move yet. I am actually physically sick with all this bs. I can't eat, sleep, I don't want to go home...he's there. I am just prentending for the kids sake. He's like a yo-yo, up & down. I have my suspicions, but nothing solid for proof he's abusing again.
I do have my minister to talk to now, but I need more. I try everyday to find justification in staying or leaving. I did go for one day because of the verbal assults in front of the kids....but they refused to go with me. I have been made the villian by daddy and they will stay with him should I leave. Legal counsel recommended I get back into the house and not initate, agitate any arguments. Until I have the $$ and courage to kick him out or serve him divorce papers. My strength is weakening, I cannot endure this much longer. I've had dreams where I've crushed up his "pills" and put them in his food & in his mouth while sleeping. I secretly wish he would just take ONE TOO MANY and end my nitemare

I totally relate, I've lost about 20 lbs, I now have to buy my clothes in the junior dept. I guess I should be thankful that my daughter is supporting my (my son is only 4 so he has no clue)decisions. I can't imagine not having her support. Do your children know the truth? Mine does but she's very bright and knew there was something terribly wrong when her dad didn't go see Santa for the past 3 years bc it's a big family tradition. So, I'm sorry you're not getting that support from your kids. Just don't give up on them, always be honest and let them know that you will always be honest!

My daughter is 12, and still has the photo on her cell phone of the amublance hauling her father out. Yes, both kids know the truth, but he has planted so much negative comments of me in their impressionalbe heads. He always brings our daughter into the middle of arguments which is not right at all. Telling her and our 5yr old son how mommy has a boyfriend--which I do not--how I don't want daddy to live there any more, how I'm crazy....and they have sided with him. I WILL NOT LEAVE MY KIDS. But until he screws up and I have reason/proof to have him hauled away again, my health and mental capacity are slipping. Not only do I suffer major depression, my blood pressure has spiked to needing daily meds. I've lost around 20# too, can't sleep, constantly have a pounding headache, and a knot grows in my stomach when it's time to go home. I have taken so much verbal/emotional abuse and the kids have been exposed to that also. I am not a bad person, but why do I feel like I am?

You feel the way u do bc that's what HE wants u 2 feel. u've got 2 realize that u DESERVE BETTER! U didn't do anything wrong but love, honor, and trust your partner and HE betrayed YOU! NOT the other way around! As women and mothers, we always put ourselves last! Everyone- even the rehab counselor- told me that I need to take care of myself and I told her that I DON'T KNOW HOW! What we're going thru is a life altering change and why? BC our partners made a stupid choice and ruined our lives as well as theirs! WE R THE VICITMS, NOT THEM! THEY made the choice to do what they did/r still doing, we didn't hold the crack pipe to their mouths, or make them swallow the pills, it was their choice! What he's doing 2 u is called DENIAL! He will blame u eny and every way he can to bring him down with you. DON'T LET HIM DO IT! For your kids sake, u've got 2 b strong 4 them! They may not realize it now, but they will realize the sacrifices you've made for them.

We do deserve better! I actually told him on Wednesday that I was a good wife, mother, business partner and never-ever gave any reason for concern AND WHAT DID IT GET ME?! Lies, stealing, drugs and a fractured marriage. What a great reward!

I've left the anger grow into resentment and it's eating me away. I want him to change, to be the man I married--for the kids sake. Because I just can't stand him anymore

Sadly enough, only he can try to make right what he's done wrong. One thing I have learned is that WE CANNOT FIX THEM! They have to do it themselves.

True, they have to help themselves, but kind of person am I for not being able to support him? I want him to be okay, I still care for him, but he doesn't understand WHY I can't love him. I tried for so long to get him help, I enabled his problem by allowing it to continue without recourse, and I grew tired. I just don't have the energy or desire to wait for him to get the help he so desperately needs. I'm being asked to compromise my values/morals. And I just can't do that. I feel really bad.

You are the kind of person that gave all you had to give. You tried to help him the best you could and he has refused that help. You are the kind of person that loves her children and will do anything for them but will not/ cannot sacrifice their well being for his addiction.

I have been reading through all of your messages as see how difficult things can be. My story is a little different. I am best friends with a person who was an alcoholic for 6 years. Almost tore us apart. He has been sober for a year but now wants to go back to social drinking. Scares me to death because i know it will take us back to where were before.

That's the whole thing.....how can we EVER trust them again? I don't think I can continue going thru the ups and downs of this addiction thing. Sometimes I do wish (even though it's a sin against my soul) that my husband had overdosed so at least this whole nightmare would be over. But instead, I get 2 good weeks, 2 bad weeks over and over again. I just don't understand how they can continue to hurt the ones that care about them most!

I agree. I had some horrible times. I gave everything to see him and help him recover. I stood by him when no one else would. I almost feel like it is a stab in the back to say "Oh, I think I can drink socially again"...What? Are you kidding me?

It is a stab in the back. I really don't know why we still care! They don't care enough about us to be/stay clean, why should we care what they do with their lives.

I am right there with you yet I know I won't turn away.

I know but how many times can we let them beat us down and become a lesser person? I can't stand myself! There's no routine in my life, bc he's in everything that i do! washing clothes, mowing the lawn, playing with my kids, it makes me crazy!