Where to begin?

[jenya]

I am a 23 year old struggling with my weight and obsession over what I eat. About six years ago, I lost a lot of weight (around 60 pounds) that I had gained after my father passed away. Since that time, and currently, I am in the "normal" weight range but can't stop obsessing over it. Concern over eating and my weight have taken over a large part of my life - I obsess over what to eat, when to eat, weighing myself, and even refraining from drinking water to get the number on the scale down. I abuse laxatives regularly, and have on and off for the past several years.

I am tired of feeling this way and having my life centered around this obsession. It has been worse lately because I graduated from college and have been having trouble finding a job, so I have a lot more free time to think about it. I keep waiting for it to go away on its own after I magically reach a low enough weight. Also, I coach and am involved in figure skating and am constantly comparing myself to elite skaters and feeling like I need to be their size. I'm going out of town in two days and am out of control. I've been taking laxatives every day, trying to heavily restrict my eating, and becoming upset when I eat something I shouldn't.

I hate my body and find myself fat and disgusting. I am so tired of living like this, but I am terrified that if I seek help, I'll gain weight. Also, I am a complete perfectionist and view this as a failure - I wasn't strong enough to become skinny enough, and this is a weakness.

I guess I need advice about what to do and how to talk to my mom about this.

[qat]

What helped was to talk to others who were in my exact situation. I fought my ED for 2 years and since last fall I have been attending support groups. Have you tried that yet. Even a few times a week can do wonders.

[laura85]

I'm so sorry, I know how you feel. I'm not quite 23 and have had my stupid ED for almost 11 years. It's hard, there's no doubt. The graduating thing doesn't help either--I relapsed big time after I graduated. I really can't tell you how important talking to someone about this stuff is--letting it build up is so toxic. As for how to tell your mom, do what's most comfortable for you. For me, I had to tell her via e-mail, and when I've had relapse problems it's been over email or AIM. Sometimes saying it out loud, especially if you're not ready yet is so frightening. But still, it's a great thing to do. Your mom may get freaked out but she'll be glad to know and you'll be just that little bit better for having gotten it off your chest to someone who can help you a little more precisely.
Other than talk to your mom I would absolutely have to say get whatever kind of treatment you can immediately--be it counseling, online support, self-help books, activism, writing--and use it as well as you can. For whatever it's worth one of the things that's helped me over the years is, even if I don't believe myself, to stand up to to ED voice. Anytime that voice lies to you that you need to starve or binge or purge or use laxatives or that you're not good enough just tell it to go f-!%&$-k itself. Do that again and again until it shuts up and leaves you alone. I hope that was of some help.
Be kind to yourself

[bigfathippo777]

Hi there, I just read your post and had to reply. I grew up as a gymnast. It was my life. A lot of emphasis was put on how I looked, which led to me having an eating disorder. 15 years later and I am still struggling with the stupid thing, but way worse than when I was growing up. I used to coach too and just recently quit. I think getting away from the environment is really helping me to have a better perspective on things. I just thought you might like to know that I completely understand the "perfectionism" thing.
I am so sorry about your father's death, that must have been so hard on you. I can't even imagine. If you ever want to vent go ahead, this is a safe place to do it.
Good luck on your recovery, do not give up, you are worth more than that. Hopefully I can take my own advice too ha.