I'm seeing myself in a different light...

[WomanOfSize]

...and it scares me to acknowledge I have a serious problem. But I've come to realize I am, in fact, a compulsive/binge eater. I have no control over it, because it stems from self-hatred.

I hate the way I am. I hate myself. And I was beaten and molested into this self-loathing by my stepfather, from the time I was just a little kid. He would always mock my appearance, and much much worse.

I want to be loved, but I can't stand to love myself. So, I guess the weight gain from the compulsive eating is my "shell" to safe-guard me from getting hurt again.

I'm 25 years old, and 5'2". I'm already over 220 pounds, and in the early stages of hypertension. My lungs are working harder, my heart is working harder just to keep me alive, and I can feel it.

I don't want to die an early death like so many others have. I am ashamed of myself, and can't bring myself to talk about it with my mother, because I don't want to scare her.

I am too poor to seek treatment from an ED center. What can I do to finally break the cycle and learn to live?

[bigfathippo777]

Hi there. I have just recently started writing on this forum and have found that it is helpful. It is a safe way to talk to others about something that is hard to talk about in person.

I am not claiming to have any answers for you,(I am still struggling with an eating disorder as well) but I want you to know that someone is listening.

I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you, it sounds absolutely terrible! I don't know anything about you, but I want to urge you to look hard for some hope. Hope can overcome all of the darkness in your life, at least I have found that to be true for myself.

I too have used my eating disorder to punish myself. I feel a lot of the times that I deserve what I am doing to myself because of the person I have been and the mistakes that I have made. I completely understand the term "self- loathing".

My advice for you would be to try to find some positive inside all of the negative emotions inside of you. Do not give up on yourself! Try to find your own personal glimmer of hope.

-Where there is light there cannot be darkness

[WomanOfSize]

Thank you for listening. It felt so good to finally get that all off my chest after all this time!

I managed to shore up my bravado after I posted here and told my mom what's really going on. She was shocked when I told her how big I've really gotten, because I'd been concealing it so well (lying about my weight, wearing looser clothes, etc.), along with the physical aches and pains that come with the "excess baggage". (She knows about the situation with my stepfather, though -- it's why they've been separated for the past few years. I can't even begin to tell you how glad I am that he no longer lives with us, though the ghost of what he did to me still haunts me.)

Mom found a book for me among her own little library of books: "For Today" from Overeaters Anonymous. She told me a friend had given it to her about 20+ years ago, when that friend believed my mom was suffering from an ED. We had a long talk about our issues, and she said she'd try to help me, but that I'd need a "buddy" to help recover with. So I'm gonna see if there's any OA-type support groups nearby.

I managed to avoid temptation for today too. I work at a fast-food joint, so it was REALLY hard! I was passing the onion rings station all day while working, but I managed to stop myself from picking at them like I usually do, and drank some water everytime I felt "the urge".

For now at least, I feel a little better about myself. A little proud of myself, actually. I've won the battle for today. Hopefully, I'll do even better tomorrow.






(Wow, was that long! LOL!)

[molzbalz]

Hey girl...I feel your pain. Each and everyday can feel like Hell!!! That is progress already that you were able to bypass the onion rings. What I have started to learn with my own eating disorder and the root were it came from...I have had to put the past in the past. I have had horrible things happen to me, yet I must learn to deal with them and not let them lead my life. Shit happens a lot throughout one persons life time, some worse than others. Trying to deal in the present and future is hard enough. Focus on that for recovery...keep talkin' to us!!!

[bigfathippo777]

Hey there! How are things going. Your last reply sounded very positive. You should feel proud! Every step in the right direction is a huge accomplishment. I am so glad that your step father isn't living with you anymore. That must be a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders. It sounds like you are still strugglng with the after effects of everything that happened to you. Here is a tip that I have used. Write down everything you are feeling inside of you, everything that happened to you, everything that your step father did or made you think about yourself. Get it all out of your system and on that peice of paper. Once it is all out, go outside to a safe place and burn that peice of paper. Picture yourself letting all of the hurt burn away with it. Of course you might not be ready to face all of those emotions or you might not be ready to let all of those emotions go yet. But once you feel like you might be ready this could be helpful. Just an idea take it or leave it. Be nice to yourself. I am praying for you!

[thejourneyofme]