sick and tired and terrified

[laura85]

I am delving into recovery yet again....I've been living with some variety of ED for almost eleven years. At this point I am so so so sick and tired and mad as hell about always being sick and tired and mad as hell all the time. ED is exhausting. After a relapse (vacillating between starving and purging and both) of a year and four months which culminated in a very very intense starvation (no more than 250 cals/day) & compulsive exercise (2hrs/day) episode I am going to try this recovery business again...make an honest woman of myself. I'm scared. Logically I know I'm not overweight but I'm so scared to eat or eat without vomiting. Thinking of giving it up terrifies me so completely but thinking of continuing with it makes me want to die. I hate ED, it's so evil. Not to be a downer but I'm very scared right now and needed to vent and would really welcome any words of help or support. Thanks
Laura

[bigfathippo777]

Thank you for responding to my post. I have been hoping someone would respond. I am glad that you have decided to try to make a recovery. I too have struggled with an eating disorder for a very long time. I honestly cannot remember a time where I was not very concerned about my weight. I know it is a waste of time and I feel guilty about it all of the time, but yet I still continue with my bad habits. I can actually feel the life drain out of me everytime I purge, which is a lot. I don't know exactly what your ED is, but I can definately empathize with you and tell you that I understand when you say that is evil.
I have somewhat accepted that I am not going to be able to beat this thing on my own. I appreciate you writing me back. I am also going to try letting God help me by letting go of this evil ED and giving it to him to deal with. The idea of that scares me to death, but that is what I am going to try to do this time around.
Good luck, write me back sometime, you don't know how much your support means to me. Thank you