I know why I do it, why can't I stop...?

[denimpix]

I am a 32 year old twice divorced mother of and 11 year old and a 9 year old. I battled anorexia for a very short time when I was in my early teens, and was healthy for a very long time up until recently. I am newly seperated from my second husband; I won't get into it too much except to say that I needed to get an order of protection against him. Through all of this, I slipped back into very old long abandoned eating patterns. This time, however, I am having more of an issue with it. When I was younger, it was very much a case of wanting to control SOME part of my life after being raped. I was young-and the only thing that I had complete control of was when and how much food entered my body. I was never overly concerned with the results of my behavior...I didn't feel like I was too fat and I didn't care how much I weighed. This time, I am obsessed with it. I look at my tiny tummy and feel good about it even as I know that I am unhealthy. It is like I am split in two...half of me knows that it is sick and wrong to go days without eating only a bite or two of food, and the other half of me silently congratulates myself for not gaining back the weight I should. It is scaring the hell out of me that I can be so conscious of what I am doing to myself, and yet so unwilling to change my behavior. I find myself making deals with myself...as long as I don't lose any more weight...as long as my collar bones don't start to stick out...as long as the bruising stays gone....... I guess I assumed all "real" anorexics were completely oblivious to what they were doing to themselves, and if they only realized that they weren't healthy that all would be fine. I see now that this is not true...it is like the alcoholic that knows they need to hide the morning cocktail, I know that I should eat 3 meals a day and stay healthy for myself and for my daughters, but I can't bring myself to actually WANT to do it...

I am a single mom going to college and working full time, I do not have time for one on one counseling sessions, nor do I have the money. I am trying this to see if there is any hope...although I am having a hard time seeing how hearing other people tell me everything that I already know is going to help me...

For now, I am trying to maintain...I am not in the anorexic range of weight, "only" at the low end of healthy...148 pounds, 5'11". I know that if I lose more my parents and siblings will notice and step in, which is one of the few things that keeps me eating at least one meal a day almost every day. Even as I write that, it feels like someone else's story...like I am just reporting it.

I know that I need help. I just don't know what will help. Are there 12 steps I can do? Is there a prayer? Is there a colored rock that I can hold that will make it all feel okay?

Signing off...
-denimpix

[MissThng]

I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. I understand how difficult and dark things may be. Support Groups have helped me and many others here as well. There is a great eating disorder group called OA - Overeaters Anonymous that covers all aspects of ED. I think it could be a great way to start.

[denimpix]

The problem (for me) with joining a group is that the time it would take away from my family and other responsibilities would cause me so much stress that I wouldn't be able to get anything out of it. I know that recovery needs to be a priority in my life, but I also know that if I take away from the other important things in my world that I will be so caught up in all of that I won't be able to open up or experience anything anyway...

I am afraid that I am too much of a solution minded person to get help...I want an answer--the right answer--that will just fix this. I want the map to follow...and if I can't get that, I just want everyone to shut up and leave me alone...

signing off...
-denimpix

[Kopernica]

denimpix -
you communicate your problem very eloquently, and very reasonably. You're obviously conscious of all the different conflicts, as well as your behaviors. but clearly this isn't enough. you asked about if there are 12 steps you could do - absolutely there are. but they require a commitment. and they're no sure thing.

one of the main problems with eating disorders is the lack of well-defined treatment programs, how much they often cost (upwards of $90,000), and how long they can last (years). typically people suffering from eating disorders aren't hospitalized unless they're in a life-threatening situation. the point is, while some treatment centers can help, eating disorders don't get the kind of 30-day detox/therapy etc you see for drugs and alcohol.

one reason is because of the complexity of eating disorders. not to say a heroin addiction isn't complex. but because it's so deeply psychological and because it is an expression of a number of intertwining psychological issues, it can take months or years of intensive therapy.

i think you're on a slippery slope. for yourself and your family. is there any way you can work with a proper therapist once a week? i've written on a wide number of different addictions and compulsions and i can say with certainty that i have never seen one like anorexia. an alcoholic will ravage his stomach and liver. a coke addict, his nose. of course these addictions affect body and mind, but anorexia is absolutely unforgiving; it can and will wreak havoc on virtually every major organ in your body and every major organ system. it is a scorched earth policy.

you've gotten through it before but this is different and i hope you get the treatment you need.

Nikki