In recovery

[Lzrd67]

Hello. I am in recovery for bulimia. I have not made myself throw up in over two years, but I still have terrible self image problems. I constantly look at myself in the mirror and scrutinize my body. No matter how much i weigh, I still think that I am too fat, ugly, etc. I have gained about 20 lbs. since July and, of course, that is driving me crazy. Many of my old jeans do not fit. I keep telling myself, once I loose the weight, I will be able see old friends, but until i loose the weight and "look perfect" I stay away from people who have not seen me in a while. My boyfriend tells me "Honey, don't you realize that many women would die to look like you," but he doesn't understand the mental obsession that many of us have with body image. For me, my eating disorder was an extremely obsessive and compulsive behavior Now that I am not making myself throw up or over exercise, I do binge some days.
I feel like I don't deserve to look good on a daily basis. Many days, I deliberately dress down and I save "special days" for me to look good. I obsess over which days I will make myself look good. As if me looking good everyday would be too much. Like I don't deserve to care about making myself look nice.
I often convince myself that I am too repulsive to look at and that is why I have trouble speaking to people. I have a lot of social anxiety that revolves around my self image.

[qat]

I went through the same issues. I went to one on one counseling for a long time but had no luck. I finally went to a treatment center and then started to go to support groups. This is what really helped me because I was able to hear that other people were going through what I was going through. I totally agree with you how people don't understand that what we face is so deep rooted. I am still fighting with this but am still going to group sessions and it does get easier.