new member - do i have an eating disorder?

[darling]

i feel like ive got to breaking point.
a few years ago from a very normal weight i started a crazy diet and got very thin but thought i looked amazing
i was terrified of putting on weight and was scouted for a modelling agency
however after about 6 months i began to binge heavily and felt completely out of control and couldn't stop
this was a dark period.
i put on about 4 stone in the end and havnt lost it
since then ive been battling between trying to diet, binging and ultimately trying to stop binging which for me is the lowest of all
i feel fat and disgusted with myself and want to stop but also have a desperate desire to be thin.
i have seen a couple of therapists but not for extended periods and in the end nothing has really helped.
no one knows about this personal hell and i feel trapped.

[D.C.]

Hello,

It seems the road's been a little bumpy for you. I admire the streghtn you have to find ways to help yourself, like seeing therapists and coming here. It shows you have the ability to help yourself. So congrats on making it this far. Now I may not know extacly what you going thru, but how about you start with the begging, how old where you when you started dieting like crazy, and more importantly, what do you think brought it on? Did you have friends that were very slim? Did you have alot of self-confidence, or maybe a lack of? Did you have a breakup with someone around that same time? What emotional things happened to you around those times?

I really want to hear about how you're doing, keep me posted. I'm listening.

[darling]

hi
thanks for replying it means a lot
the problem is i just feel tired of everything not that i would do anything drastic but sometimes i just feel like its taking over
but i do have good periods or at least marginally better periods, and i recently did feel like it was losing its grip
but i recently broke up with someone and im about to begin my a-levels (im in my last year of 6th form college) which is a really important time and i know that i need to be focusing on work instead but stress seems to be a trigger for more body obsession hence more bingeing
its got so im so good at it i can hide it from everyone but i can consume so much food until i feel so unbelievably ill and its no longer about craving specific food but i guess numbness
when i binge i dont have to think about real life or problems because i can lose myself in food and then when i feel so ill i usually cant do anything because i feel so ill and emotionally low so its escape in a different way as well
sorry to rant, i must sound so self-indulgent
rejection is tough because immediately it triggers those old feelings of self-worthlessness so the whole break up obviously hit hard

anyway back to your question it was almost exactly 3 years ago that i began the big diet, i was 15
i had tried stupid diets before that had never led anywhere
i think it was partly that all my friends were really thin and didnt even need to diet but we all used to decide together to go on diets but inevitably break them
also i have always suffered from low self esteem even though there is no really grounding to it (although now being fat gives me sufficient ammunition against myself)
a small part i think was that id never really had a boyfriend and so felt a bit marginalised in that way so linked it to being 'fat' even though now i can see that i was still so young
another part i think was that id never failed anything before, once i set my mind to something id always succeeded so there once id decided i was fat i wouldnt be able to rest until i decided i was thin enough
and that was exactly what happened
it became an obsession so i couldnt see how thin i was even though everyone around me kept telling me and worrying
i did finally stop when id got to be as thin as i wanted so i guess at least it didnt spiral out of my control (control has always been a necessity in my life) and i was never diagnosed 'anorexic' as i did begin to eat a little more but only enough to sustain my weight i made sure never to gain any
so my family pretty much thought i was better
however i started to binge (i guess because i sporadically gave in to my urges to eat) but always made sure i would starve any weight off again
then the binges became more frequent until i couldnt starve any more and was just bingeing
i was so ashamed that i put on weight which just led to more bingeing
and since then i think i havent really accepted my body as it is
yet i know that this isnt naturally how im meant to be (i was always a slim child) so if i had never binged i wouldnt have screwed up my body, but then if i had never dieted i would never have binged but yet i still see my body as it was at its thinnest as something beautiful and to be aspired to even though i know its twisted

sorry to have gone on and on
i hope you dont get bored

[D.C.]

Hey,

Don't worry about the long posts, I read every word of it, and I don't mind one bit.

First of all, you don't sounds self indulgent, and never be afraid and hide something because you're afraid you will.

So, it seems you put alot of importance in being 'thin'. First of all let me say, you definitly don't have to be thin to be beautiful, I'm sure you may have herd this a few times, but I'll repeat it anyway. Just because the girls in the 'cosmo' magazine are very slim, doesn't always make them pretty. I know alot of guys, and I mean quite a few normal cool young men, who don't like the look of very slim girls, and alot of girls I know find girls with a more healthy or athletic build prettier. The truth is, you don't have to be 'thin' to be beautiful. Now, I'm sure you may have thought of this, and heard it before, but I'd thought I'd just remind you before moving on.

You seem to put alot of importance on trying to be slim, it's what motivated you in the first place, and honestly, it's not the best motivator for you right now. If you want to get better, and FEEL better about yourself, maybe trying to focus on eating and living HEALTHY should be your drive. Try to make THAT your motivation: living and being healthy. Not being slim. You said you never failed anything before... what do you remember doing so that happends? How do you get your will strong enough to change? if you can muster that spirit again, channel it to trying to simply live a little more healthy.

And what I mean by "health" is to simply make SMALL GRADUAL changes in you life. I don't know much about you, and I don't want to start telling you what to do. But even if it's just by starting with how you think about something. Try things like drinking more water, exersising a bit (not so that's it's a huge chore, but just pushing yourself a little), and maybe try to limit your diet gradualy, be aware of what you eat, and how much, and how it effects your health. So far though, of what I know on you, you def. have the power to get out of a rut. You'll do it

Anyway, keep you posts comming. And don't be afraid to rant. I think you're very brave, have a good day.

D.C.

[darling]

hi
thanks for the kind words
i am trying to change my attitude, and its very true that when stress is high healthy eating is key but certainly not no eating
im proud that in the last few days i really have made the effort and eaten a lot more fruit been to the gym twice and generally feel a lot better
i havent weighed myself or anything and am trying to not think about losing weight but merely being kind to my body
however im just worried that ill fall into old traps again and know that if i binge it will undo all good work but at the same time i musnt start eating too little again
i think at this point its enough just if i dont binge, but when youre not binging it sometimes seems so tempting and i have had cravings but i must remember the appalling feelings both emotional and physical that come with binging and the damage im doing to myself
for the moment im staying strong!!

[D.C.]

Hey,

Everyone one has the power to change, but you're actually doing it, so great work. You have a lot of motivation.

You're going to the gym!? That's awesome! And you've definitely got the right thinking down path: it's no about weight, it's about being kind to your body. And with that, you'll loose weigh as a bonus, so everything works out this way!

And I can understand what you mean about being worried to relapse. And, it may very well happen. But because your strong NOW, and you can get your body pointed in the good direction, if you DO relapse, you're mind and body is more easily brought back on track. So if you do fall back, it's just so you can learn and try again. Alway try again.

Something else you might think about is maybe getting a "personal trainer" at the gym, if it's no to expensive. Not to help WORK OUT as much, but just it' makes a big difference when someone else is helping motivate you.

Anyway, I have to go now, keep me posted on how you're doing.

Keep it up!

[darling]

had a bit of a crap day yesterday and so this morning feel like im losing track a bit
i by accident ate some gluten (im a coeliac) and felt ill and depressed and so ate too much
however im trying to stay positive as i didnt full out binge i just got a bit carried away with snacks but stopped after a while, didnt get to stuffed point but it did bring back all those old emotions

but todays a new day and i really do know how much better i feel when i eat healhier
so im going to hit the gym again today!!

[D.C.]

Hey,

I'm glad you skillfully avoided going back in a rut... keep up your attidude. That's the first step to making any progress.

So, in your first post you said "no one" knows of this. Do you really mean NO ONE. Are there any of your friends or relatives that know? Or is it basicly just the therapists you saw, you, me and God? If so, try thinking of one of your good friends who motivate you, and who you look up to, but still understands you, and maybe consider telling them about these past few years. Trusting one of your friends who you often spend some time with can make things SO much esier. Tell me what you think.

Ok, so great job keeping on track regardless of the bump!

I'll be keeping an eye out for your post.

[darling]

oh god
far from avoiding a rut ive just spent the last 3 days binging ceaselessly and life-disruptingly so i spent the night of one of my best friends 18th sitting in the corner because i felt so low
and im so so fat (possibly worse than ever before) and i dont know what to do anymore
just keep trying i guess. the main thing is not to binge if i manage that for a while i will be so much happier
i just want to kick this thing

[D.C.]

Hey,

I hope you start feeling better.

It's really hard, I understand. And you're right,you just gotta keep trying. You've done it before... let's just do it again, and this time for longer, I know you can do it, or I wouldn't be posting. Just look to the future, and how great you'll feel when all of this is done. And... like I've asked before, have you told anyone at all? I bet you have some great friends who really love you, and who you love with all your heart... if they had a problem, wouldn't you want them to tell you? So maybe you should let one of you're great friends who's always been there for you know... I'm sure they'd appreciate that, and more importantly, just having someone know about it can give you so much motivation.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. And remember what I said about being "fat"... it's really just the industry twisting your mind; most people really don't care about that. Neither do your friends . It doesn't change how much they love you.

Ok, well I'm off, hope to hear from you soon.

[molzbalz]

Hey guys...I would love to join this chat. I need the support more than ever aswell. I FEEL the struggle you are going through. Today I have made a huge step for me. I have printed out a food journal, which I will right in everything I eat and my feelings afterwards. I will get my husband to sign it, knowing I kept it all down. I am attending a support group at the end of the week. Today will be my first of MANY not binging or purging.

I sound so convincing and hopeful right now. You guys can probably understand this mindframe I am in. I get so motivated and head driven to overcome this. But my disorder always ends up taking over. I need to find a way to break that cycle!!

love to hear from you guys, Cheers

[D.C.]

Hey MolzBalz, I'll get to you in a sec.

So 'Darling', I havn't heard from you in a while, be sure to let me know how you're doing.

So, Molz, good job trying to break the cycle! That Journal's a good idea! Do you have a link to the site, some people on this site might like to take a look at it. Keep me posted.

And I hope to hear form you 'darling'.