New and a Little Confused

[PaperClips]

Quite simply, I'm getting tired of it. So is my family & fiance, ha...
I've never been to a doctor for this (and definitely not during a spell) so I don't know whether I meet whatever "criteria" that would classify me as ed-nos or beyond.
I do know that I have too many notebooks chronicling what I ate almost everyday for the last two years and its a growing pile. It crushes me when I eat over 700 calories a day; so I compensate. I know that my weight is the single biggest cause of unhappiness in my life. Whether I feel worth anything depends on whether or not I am fat that day. I talk about it almost every day to one person, the only person who even has a clue. I don't eat in front of other people unless I have to. I am embarrassed to eat anything in front of anybody that isn't under 100 calories. Even then, I want to justify.

But I'm still at a "normal" weight for my height and I still eat. And I'm confused.

For someone who used "I" so many times in one paragraph, I still don't know what I am or what this is.

[qat]

What we go through is so emotional that people on the outside do not understand. I went through it for 2 years, saw a specialist and decided to get help because I could not do it anymore. I also attended sessions and talked (and still do talk) with people who are in our situation. I know that our families and loved ones what to help but it is hard because often they have no idea what we are feeling.

[veggirl08]

I've been where you are-- I used to write down every bite of food I ate, and even after I went to a doctor to gain weight, I kept with it-- because they teach you to count your food in order to eat enough. So, while they may have helped me keep some bad habits, they also clued me into how much I need to eat just in order to be active and happy. Because I don't know about you, but when I was eating next to nothing, I was exhausted and grumpy and I couldn't think about anything but food and how "fat" I was. That was years ago, and I've struggled with various levels and kinds of ED since, but if I wouldn't have taken the first step and admitted that I had a problem, who knows what would have happened to me. Every time I think about going back to that weight and lifestyle (which I admit, sometimes I do), I think about how miserable I was. And life is just too short not to enjoy. When you're thinking about food 24/7, what kind of life are you really living? So stay strong, and while it's hard, find some help. I know the last thing you want to do is have someone tell you to eat more, but you owe your body, your spirit, and your relationships that first step to recovery. Good luck.