bulimia

[bigfathippo777]

I am really looking for some support from others dealing with or having dealt with severe Bulimia. It is holding me back from living the life I feel I could live. I am so sick of it but I cannot stop because I am so afraid of gaining weight that I feel like I have worked so hard to get off. Isn't that ridiculous? It seems like such a hopeless siuation. If anyone has any advice, please help me. It would hep just to know that there is someone else out there listening.

[laura85]

I'm listening. It's not ridiculous--if it was eating disorders wouldn't be chronic conditions. More importantly it's not hopeless, I know a lot of people who have recovered (I'm not there yet but I'm trying) and are so much the better for it. I'm not sure what to say about the weight gain thing since it terrifies me as well. All I can say is take it easy, tell yourself that just for this one day you won't binge and purge and if you need it tomorrow, that's one thing, but just for this one day you'll not do it. I hope that's helpful at all.
Be kind to yourself

[molzbalz]

I feel your pain. It controls you! Each day, every minute you are battling the thoughts and urges. I too want to be better and am at the point I will risk anything to be. Any recomendations for where to start??

[bigfathippo777]

[molzbalz]

hey girl....Thank you for that reply. I know exactly what it feels like to be overwheled with the urge of binging and purging. I have the same symptoms as you. If I go a day or two, it is like it takes over my brain and I have to go through that horrible process to get rid of that urge! Does that make any sense??

I will tell you a little bit about myself so you can put a face to this name. I am 24 and recently married a New Zealander. Although I was born and raised in Oregon. I have been living overseas for the past few years though. My crazy body and food issues began when I was 18. My parents divorced after being married for 30 years. My dad later went on to remarry the lady he cheated on my mom with. So running and excercise became my outlet. I soon began to control what I ate and how I ate it. At this time in my life this was the only thing I seemed to have any control over....then over the years it progressed into bulimia. I have never been a big girl. always weighing around 120lbs. Being fat does freak me out. But what freaks me out more is how normal and acustom I have become to living with this illness every single day of my life. I am sooooo sooooo over it. I would love to wake up in the morning and just eat breakfat like everyother human being!
THat is enough rambling now....haha

[Ednats mon]

I am new to this writing stuff, but I heard that having some kind of support group helps.
I have been Anorexic, bulimic, you name it for about 12 years.
I am now in treatment, just started about 5 weeks ago, but I find that it really helps.
I have bought many books and read about the different types of treatment available, and so many self help books. I can honestly say that as helpful as the books are, and although they do give some great ideas, the only thing that really helps is having a professional guide you through your recovery.
My treatment is not free, but its money well spent.
I can honestly say that in just a short time that I have been in therapy, I have already stopped weighing myself, stopped taking diet pills, and have somewhat introduced food into my diet that I would not have eaten before.
There is no way that I could have done this on my own, and believe me I tried.
When I was looking for someone to concel me , I found that finding someone who themselves is recovered is really helpful. You know they understand what you are going through and can relate to you on every level. FOr me that amounted to trust, that I believe what they are telling me is for my best interest and that they can really help and I can really feel confident that they know what they are doing.

take each day at a time, and set goals for yourself. each week I find a new goal and I work on it all week. If I dont feel I am comfortable moving on to a new goal then I stick with the one that I have until I can move on. baby steps forward, and often big steps back, but as long as you continue to try to go forward, you are already better than you were the day before.

[bigfathippo777]

[bigfathippo777]

[Ednats mon]

I too went through other types of treatement that did not work for me, I think that it is so important that you find someone that you like.
Firstly, forget about men psychs. they dont know the first thing about what women deal with, and secondly I think anyone who is not a recovered anorexic or bulimic can only tell you what they read in books.
ITS ALL BS.
If you google eating disorder and then the city or state that you live in, then you should be able to find treatment that is near to you.
Do some research and find someone who states that they themselves are recovered.
I am doing better....I think. I mean. I can go over a week sometimes two without purging. I am telling you, if you can ride out the urge to binge, and leave your house or just go to sleep, it gets easier and easier with each passing day. As obvious as this sound (and as hard as it is) the only way to not binge is to eat.
So what I do, is I plan my meal. I choose something healthy that is not going to freak me out and then I make it and then i eat it. Then I get the hell out of my house, and I just go away from any other food so that I cant binge.
If you can do that even twice a day or even better for all meals, you will realize that it is not that hard. The more you get used to eating, the less you will want to binge. As much as it sucks. the only way to get better is to eat. By the way. I too am married, 33 years old and I have two kids, 3 and 6. It scares the hell out of me that my daughter will suffer from this, I could not live with that guilt. So I know that I have to get better NOW. before she gets old enough to start to understand what is going on.
I started purging after my father died about 6 years ago. I wanted to get help so many times. You have to be ready, I mean really ready to listen to what the professionals tell you and do it, even if it scares you to death. Each time you make a decision to eat and go against your eating disorder, you get stronger, and you get more and more confidence.
I found a great book. its called Life Without Ed. The author is Jenny Schaeffer. I found so much good advise in this book, but that alone would not be enough, if i did not have my therapist.
I am sorry for so much info.
I am working really hard to deal with this, and believe me I still have a very strong urge to binge/purge, but instead I either do something else that is away from food, or I tell myself that it is ok to eat something now. and that it is not bad, and that nothing is going to happen. I choose food to eat that will not make me want to binge, something like a small sandwich or maybe a yogurt and it eat it. I then tell myself that I am done now, and I dont have to binge because of this. I remind myself that again in few hours I can eat again if I want.
It is easier said than done. but you have to do the exact oposite of what your eating disordered mind tells you to do. It is sooooo hard. But it gets easier.
Sorry for the long winded message, I am far from recovered but I think that I am on my way.

[molzbalz]

You rule!! your motivation and truth are very inspiring. Thank you.

[bigfathippo777]

Thank you for the compliment. I hope things are going well for you. As for me things were really getting out of hand for a few days there last week. I was purging 4-5 times a day. This week has been a little better Sunday only once, 3 times yesterday and only once today. I guess my sad goal for this point in my life is to only do it once at night. The thought of going to bed with food in my stomach is just too much to handle. Plus I gained a pound and a half in the past few days and it is eating at my brain. I am handling it better than I have in the past though, so I guess that is something to work with. Thank you for listening. I am praying for you.

[molzbalz]

I feel your pain. I too hate going to bed with food in my stomach. I find the evenings to be where i battle most. The urges are extremly intense during those night hours. I only seem to purge after dinner. I always eat a ridiculous amount at dinner and can nerver seem to keep it in.

You were saying that you sometimes binge 5-4 times a day?? Have you limited your surroundings with only "good" food that will not trigger a binge?? Only shop on the 2 outter isles at the supermarket ( all the Fresh stuff you have to prepare in order to even eat it..haha).

I wish there was a better way we could communicate with one another on a more regular basis. I have a feeling we could be of great help to eachother....email maybe???

[bigfathippo777]

Hello. Well I think it was a week in the right direction. I realized even more so than usual at a Bible study this week at how much this disorder is actually affecting me and holding me back from being who God wants me to be. For the first time in a long time I started to feel (instead of say) that what actually does matter is on the inside not the outside. People aren't judging me on whether or not I gained one pound. People care about how you treat them. I tried the entire week to actually be kind to people instead of trying to read whether or not they could tell that I had gained a pound and a half. In the mean time I became less scared of people's judgement and actually even enjoyed being around people a little bit more. I made it 2 days this week without purging. (Which is currently my record. I am hoping this week I can break it and make it 3, we will see.) Regardless it was a baby stepping week, which gives me a little bit of hope. I hope everyone out there experienced some form of hope this week. Good luck!