bulimia

[cardinalk24]

The mind is the most powerful thing, huh? Crazy. I seem to fight the good and evil all the time. I'm so strong as a whole, but the smaller things that I stress over....like food, seem to really affect me.
I tend to overeat....mostly at night. Once I get the idea of a peanut butter blizzard in my head, thats it, I get it. No exceptions. Its like I get mad if I were to change my mind.
One thing I try NOT to do is beat myself up. I try to understand myself, and what really makes me feel that way. Maybe its something I don't consciously realize, but I do know, I'm the only one who is going to make a change. Maybe this is the day. I eat so many sweets its terrible.
A wise women once told me she wished she would have written in a journal daily. Imagine, if you start now, you could actually have a book years later. I always say I'm going to start that journal. I really should. Something for all to think about. Afterall, its ourselves we need to find, and understand.
Peace, love, and strength to all. (myself too;)

[bigfathippo777]

Hello everyone. Welcome Rebel913 and Cardinalk24 and it's good to hear from you again Molzbalz. The first and foremost thing I want to say is that jounaling is helpful but I want to give a strong warning because I have been burned very badly by people who have read my journals. When you write in a journal you tend to vent about things that are bothering you. So although it is helping you to get rid of your negative emotions, if other people read it you end up sounding very negative and a lot of times you end up hurting other people that you might write about. So yes I agree writing in a journal is helpful but please make sure that you keep it very secure. People will always be nosey it is in our human nature. Just remember that. Another idea is to keep a positive journal, writing down the things that you have accomplished or good things that happened during the day. Those are the things that you are going to want to remember in the future anyways.
Molzbalz- Life is hard sometimes. I too do not have a routine right now which makes things harder. It is so awesome you are going to counseling. What kind of things are you doing everyday to keep you strong? I can use any help I can get. Keep on pushing through. Everyday is not going to be a good day, but everyday you push through is another accomplishment.
Rebel913- I actually do read most of everyone's posts. So I am listening and would love to talk to you about anything. Staying in touch with this site gives me encouragement to keep fighting my own fight so I am on it quite frequently.
Cardinalk24- I know what you mean when you get the idea of something in your head. Lately I have had cupcakes on my mind. Anyone else would tell me just have one cupcake and you will stop obsessing over it. But that isn't true for me if I have one cupcake I will have to have 7 and then the vicious cycle begins. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off haha
As for me it looks like I am going to make it through today without binging or purging. Woo Hoo!!!!!! Yesterday I had a very bad day so I am happy that I was able to wake up today and break yesterdays cycle. I am hoping that I can at least make it 3 days this week without binging or purging. Pray for me I am praying for you. Good luck guys!!!!! We can do this. Keep pushing!!! Sorry this is forever long.

[rebel913]

I know what you mean...its like If you have one taste of the ice cream youll just want more and more, which Is why I just avoid it all to begin with. I think its all a mental need...we feel good when were eating all those sweets but then for us we feel terribly guilty and gross once we've eaten more than our fair share. Its hard avoiding so many "bad" foods, and sometimes I just cant find what my body is craving. I find i get stuck eating the same somewhat boring things which may or may not be good for me in the end even though it is all very healthy. Sometimes I feel I just craveee something with FAT...but the only things ill have are liek peanut butter or avocado or nuts...Being an exercise science major at school I have taken many nutrtion classes which I have loved. The brain neeeeds fat to function and I definelty can feel the effects of it! The constant thoughts of food are natural, as the body is telling us its missing some essential nutrient...and trying to get us to have it...which we constantly fight...making it worse and worse, and creating those binging cycles when we just cant hold back. I find it much easier to eat smaller meals throughtout the day to keep my blood sugar levels balanced..so i dont get starving and want to eat everything in site. Luckily I really dont have aprobalem with binging-purging, however I just eat and exercise...my mom is always saying you have to fight this disease etc. etc. and Im always like uggh shut up...but can it actualy be truly fought? i hope so...

[abcd]

[bigfathippo777]

Hello to ABCD, welcome to the forum. Thank you for writing. I can empathize with your post. There was a long time there where I just accepted my eating disorder. I had it controlled to where I only had to binge and purge at night before I went to bed. It didn't really even feel like much of a problem anymore. It was almost like my diet.

It started to become a problem though for many reasons. If I had to go out at night it became much harder for me to purge. I would find myself in restaurant bathrooms hoping that no one was noticing that my feet were facing the wrong way under the stall.
I began to feel guilty because sometimes my husband would spend hours making a nice dinner for me and I would have to purge right after I finished it. It broke my heart.
I started noticing that my front two teeth were becoming see- through. I was struggling with digestive problems and I had heart burn from having too much acid build up in my esophagus.
Most of all my self-esteem was shot. I knew that I was weird. I was constantly trying to hide my true self from people because I was afraid they would find out who I really was. I learned to keep everyone at a distance, which is not good when you need a friend.
I guess what I am saying here is that yes it may seem like your ED is not affecting you and that you are controlling it, but in my opinion the consequences are inevitable.
We were not created to do this to ourselves. Trying to accept it as part of our lifestyle is a coping mechanism that does not work. It isn't going to go away. You have to ask yourself "Do I really want to be doing this for the rest of my life, even if it is only once a day?" "What happens if you want to get pregnant one day, are you going to continue then too?" and aren't you as sick of cleaning toilets as I am?
I am not completely recovered either, but I am doing much better. I have made it 4 days in a row and I have to say it has not been because I have been able to control myself. It has been because I have chosen to believe that what is going to matter in the long run is what is in the inside of me. I believe that God created me for a purpose and binging, purging and obsessing over my weight is not it. Because one day we are all going to die and then our bodies will be really skinny (HA).
I am sorry this is very long. I hope that everything is going well for you. I will be praying for you.

[molzbalz]

I am totally still alive!!! Soooo sorry for being so slack. My husband went back to Western Samoa 1 1/2 weeks ago to start working. I will join him at the beginning of August. I have chosen to stay behind and focus on my health. Counceling and group therapy are going well. I have done 3 consecutive days without binging since I last wrote on this forum.

Question for anyone?? Did you find when you stopped yourself from having a binge you got very anxious and almost felt like you were going through some sort of withdrawls??? The afternoon of my second day of not binging my mind was moving a million miles an hour..anyone ever felt that before???

I am stil here and still battlinmg each second of everyday. This shit is not only physically exhausting but mentally as well...I am so over it.

[abcd]

Thanks a lot bigfathippo777 ( funny username you've got there )
I can see it all coming as you say it... I just hope one day, before it gets so bad I will have the the reason and a lot of strong will to do it once a week... The reasons I ended up doing this was a burst regarding my weight in he 10th grade... I was so skinny before, that you can't even imagine... Suddenly I began to get fatter and fatter until I reached 65 kg (then I was 170 cm tall now I'm 175 and weigh 53 kg wich is great)... That was a lot and I ate the same stuff, even began dieting. Nothing helped so I tried dieting strictly by eating only vegetables for a week... Then I got into hospital... At that same stage of my life I had all sorts of thoughts in my mind (suicidal ones too) . But this seemed to be the perfect solution at that time. And I admit I do not feel sorry for reaching out to it. Being very pretty and always in the center of attention as I had been before gaining weight was something normal to me. But it was taken away from me and I was the only one who could claim it back so I started doing this to myself.

I'm glad you're starting to win this struggle...Good luck with it! I hope one day I will have the strong-will to do it once maximum twice a week.
Another thing... did you know that bulimia exists since the roman era? There was a chaimber they used strictly for this called "vomitorium" where they would purge after the ceremonial meals. They where stuffed with all sorts of delicious food...It was a culinary orgy where they gathered early in the morning until late in the evening. Every one or two hours there was brought another type of food. Sorry for making it so long

[bigfathippo777]

Hello to everyone. I have disappeared for awhile but I am back. Unfortunately I wish that I could say that I have continued on with my recovery and am many baby steps closer to being fully recovered, but that is not the case. How shameful it is to admit that. I was doing better when I had a daily routine but then my husband's family came into town and threw everything off and I haven't been able to get back to where I was. I am back to throwing up 4- 5 times a day and I am very depressed about it. I feel sick! I am lacking the motivation it takes to start all over again. It takes so much energy to commit to a recovery. I guess you could say I am a little down and just feel like complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I am going to let myself feel this way for today but tomorrow I am going to try and choose to change my attitude. If anyone out there has any words of encouragement for me, that would be awesome. I hope everyone else is doing well. Good luck everyone!

[aquig1988]

I have also been suffering from severe bulimia for years, 7 maybe, the start is a blur, I can just remeber being fat then bulimic. I really know now that i need help with this condition. I have attempted talking to my parents ( I am 19) who are usually great when i need help but they seem to be refusing that I have a problem. At first making me believe I was just overreacting and 'attention seeking' and in fact do not have a problem. I know I do. I know that I purge at least twice a day, and that its getting worse but feel helpless to stop it. I attempted to speak to my parents when I thought it was at its worst...about 4 months ago. And instead of it encouraging me to stop, I seem to be getting worse and worse, with no way on conrolling it.


I feel so alone, I dont know where else I can turn too. I have moved within the last year and dont have any close friends. Can anyone guide me in the best ways of recovery?

[starfish]

[bigfathippo777]

Hello to Aquig1988 and Starfish. Thank you for responding. It is always uplifting to know that people are reading my posts and that I am just not writting to a blank wall.
It is great that both of you are reaching out for help. Admitting you have a problem is hard to do especially if everything else in your life seems successful.
Both of you are 19, a little bit younger than me. I am 27, but we are struggling with the same things and I think we can help each other. Even if it is just venting to each other every once in awhile.
I can remember struggling at 19 too so hopefully you guys can beat this thing before you reach my age. I don't have much advice except to not give up hope that you can beat this.
For me I found that having a relationship with Jesus has helped me the most in dealing with my eating disorder. Whenever I try to beat it on my own I fail and end up on the bathroom floor again. (Which is what has happened to me at the present time.) I don't want to be all preachy though so if you guys want to know more about it I'll leave the door open for you to ask.
Really I just want you to know that if you need someone who understands where you are. I am here. My parents have never really accepted that I have a real problem either, so I have given up on talking to them about it. Sometimes it is just easier to talk to a stranger as strange as that is.
Know that I care about you even though I don't know you and all of us need to believe that we will recover because if we don't believe we can do it we will never ever have a chance.
Good Luck

[Loler]

Reading the posts in this forum has supplied me with external support to seek help- thank you. As someone who is a severe bulimic (purging at least 5 times a day) I know I must make a change now- but having been heavy in the past (used to weigh 200 lbs now I weigh less than 110) I see the way society reacts to the overweight vs. the rail thin which makes the choice to seek help that much more difficult. I have read a lot of posts that mention the physical and mental stress that this disease causes, but one cannot overlook the economic, social, and- especially now with the focus on depleting world food sources- ethical implications. I pray that we all can overcome our horrid commonality.

[starfish]

something that really has bothered me and ive found so difficult over the past few years is the need to feel like i have to please everyone around me to worry so much about my appearance that i make myself sick and spend everyday with my weight constantly hanging over my head. i cant remember being able to get through an entire day without stressing over it and feeling guilty. it seems like such a loose loose to live this way though..you are either criticized for being too heavy and then once you loose weight you are overly criticized for being too thin.

[Kusa]

I have had Anorexia for years now. God, knows it is hard to open up about issues. All of my family(except my mother) are obese. I have always been the smallest child. Even when I was over weight! My fear of being out of control has come true. So,I understand waking up to find low self-esteem waiting each day. I believe, there is help, I have faith; we can heal.